As I've gone through out these few years as a feverishly odd "Weird Al" fan, I've noticed Al's several mentions of torture or pain. I now present "The Torture List."
Note: All of these were found by me, unless otherwise noted.
Al tortures his "rats with a hacksaw" in "The Good Old Days."
Al "pulls the wings off of flies" in the "Good Old Days" as well.
He also "bashed in" Mr. Fender's (who ran the corner grocery store) head in "The Good Old Days." "Well, ya should have seen the look on his face!"
Do you remember sweet Michelle? Al tied her to a chair.
And he shaved off her hair, and he left her in the desert all alone. In "The Good Old Days."
Al got his chest hair pulled out with an old pair of pliers in "You Don't Love Me Anymore."
Al had his face slammed down on a barbecue grill. His scars are still healing, but his heart never will.
Al's daddy whooped him every day, til a quarter after twelve, in "When I Was Your Age."
Then he got too tired, so Al had to whoop himself.
Then Dad chopped Al to pieces ...
And played frisbee with his brain, Above 3 from "When I was Your Age."
Al dragged the "gagged Larry" by his ankles to the forest and stuffed him in a big plastic bag in "I Remember Larry."
In "The Night Santa Went Crazy," Santa bombed the workshop, and you can find pieces of Cupid and Comet everywhere.
Santa also ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage.
Santa "got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger."
He slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger.
Then he picked up a flame-thrower and barbecued Blitzen.
Al crashed into a truck in "Everything you know is wrong."
Al got a nasty papercut which got infected so he died in "Everything You Know is Wrong."
Al plans on blowing the Commies' brains out with his Smith & Wesson, in "Trigger Happy."
Al was pushed down the elevator shaft in You Don't Love Me Anymore.
Al got a hole drilled in his head in You Don't Love Me Anymore.
And Al was dumped in a drainage ditch and left for dead as well, in You Don't Love Me Anymore.
All of you punks out there had better watch out, or Al will have to blow you away in "Trigger Happy."
Don't be vain, and don't be whiny, or else my brother Al might have to get medieval on your heinie, in Amish Paradise.
Al accidentally shot his daddy last night in the den, in "Trigger Happy."
Al filled little fluffy so full of lead, "He'll have to use him for a pencil instead," in "Trigger Happy." Figure out that safety soon, Al!
Al feels, among other things, like he's been chewing on tin foil, in "Since You've Been Gone."
AL feels like he stuck his hand in a blender, and turned it on.
He couldn't feel any worse if you dropped a two-ton bowling ball on Al's toes.
It couldn't hurt anymore if shoved a red hot cactus up Al's nose (yap, yap, diddy dow, bop, bop, diddy, doom, ba-ba dow boppa dow), in "Since You've Been Gone."
And Al feels like he's getting tetanus shots every day.
It's like Al's got an ice cream headache that won't go away.
Al knew that he was having problems when, his girlfriend put those piranhas in his bathtub, again. [dx]
Al jumped out of the sixteenth story window right above Melanie. [gp]
There's a homicidal maniac who finds a cubscout troop and he hacks up two or three in every scene. [gp]
Someone (or some thing) made Al want to slam his head against the wall in You Make Me.
Al was also compelled to staple bagles to his face, then remove them with a pitchfork in You Make Me.
Al rode next to a smelly old bum standing next to him, who hadn't showered in a year. (easily torture) [gp]
Al heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man that was caught in a bear trap in
"Weird Al Show Theme" [f8]
He burned down the malt shop where he and his
girlfriend used to go because it reminded him of her. [ca]
Al would rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass [sb & ca]
Get 100,000 paper cuts on his face [sb & ca]
Rip out his intestines with a fork [sb & ca]
Slam his fingers in a door again and again and......... [sb & ca]
Have his blood sucked out by leeches [sb & ca]
Shove an icepick under a toenail or two [sb & ca]
Clean all the bathrooms in grand central station with his tongue [sb & ca]
Jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks [sb & ca]
Stick his nostrils together with crazy glue [sb & ca]
Dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades [sb & ca]
Rip his heart right out of his ribcage with his bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it till he dies [sb & ca]
... than spend one more minute with his
girlfriend.
In "One Of Those Days," a plane crashes into Al's
den, [jt]
The Nazis tied him up and covered him with ants [jt]
Late at night just before he goes to bed the world
blows up and now everybody's dead. [jt]
His mother tied him to the wall and stuck a funnel in his mouth and force-fed him nothing but sauerkraut until he was 26 and 1/2 years old in Albuquerque. [sb]
His plane went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died.........except for him. [sb]
He got into a fight with a big fat hermaphrodite, where Al bit off his ear and he chewed off Al's eyebrows and Al took out his appendix and he gave Al a colonic irrigation "yes indeed you better believe it." [sb]
One dozen starving crazed weasels latched onto his face. [sb]
He put out a grease fire with his face. [sb]
He cut off his friend Marty's arms and legs with a chainsaw. [sb]
He took a big bite out of someone's jugular vein. [sb]
Al rubs and scrubs until his flesh is raw and bleeding in
"Germs." [lf]
This line is from "Hit me with a Rock"
But I'd stay out late at night
(When I was just a boy)
And when I'd finally get back in
Oh, I know she'd hit me, she'd hit me
She'd sit me on her knees and whip me
[bb]
In "Bohemian Polka" He holds a gun against a man's head and pulls the
trigger, now he's dead. [bb]
In "Christmas Memories of Weird Al (A radio promo)" Weird Al would "stay
up all night and wait for Santa, a-and when he finally showed up, we'd all
hold his hands down in the waffle maker until he promised to give us
everything we wanted!" [bb]
In "Generic Blues," Weird Al "Got a funny kind of feelin' like I got
broken glass in my underwear
And a herd of wild pigs is trying to chew off my head" [bb]
I was thinking, remember in the Disney special when he's preparing for the show? That entire scene's gag was Al being tortured and loving every second of it.
Al wanted to stick a pitchfork in his brain in Achy Breaky Song. [zm]
In "All about the Pentiums," Weird Al threatens to
"Control Alt Delete You." Though this doesn't sound
like much, to a computer hacker, this is a big threat. [jw]
Legend of submitters
dx - doxwire@aol.com
gp - galpin.2@osu.edu (dave)
f8 - Falcon867@aol.com
sb - Stick99boy
ca - themythkid@yahoo.com (Caesar Augustus)
jt - jarheadt@yahoo.com (Jared Trace)
lf - RocketeerG@aol.com (Laine Fremaux)
bb - blazebright@icqmail.com (Blaze Bright)
zm - Zman9001@aol.com (ZMN)
jw - gandhi_314@yahoo.com (Jon Wantuch)
I will give you complete credit for any submission. Please, don't be afraid to email me.
